Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8 Read online

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  Friday

  When I woke up this morning, I was feeling a little better about things.

  At least until I got out of bed and opened the door to my bedroom! That's when I found someone had taped a picture of a girl singing to my door. Below the girl, in big block letters, was my name… MAX.

  I tore it off my door as fast as I could. My hands were shaking, and my face felt really hot.

  How could this have happened?

  How could Tabi know about my dream?

  Did she somehow get a hold of my diary... I mean my journal?

  (I got the idea for my TOP SECRET hiding spot for my journal from a spy movie I saw. You get a really thick book and cut out a spot in the pages just big enough for what you want to hide. Then you put whatever your hiding inside, and put the book back on the shelf with some other books. Cool eh!)

  I quickly went to the secret hiding spot where I keep my journal and check to make sure it was still there. Yup. Still there. Nothing looked out of place. It looked exactly like I'd left it.

  Had Tabi somehow found where I keep it, read it, and put it back?

  It was the only explanation I could think of. How else could she know about my dream where I was a girl singing with Jordan?

  I was panicking. What was I gonna do?

  If Tabi spreads this around school, I'm done. I'll be the laughing-stock of the school. I'll never live it down!

  And that would be just like Tabi to do something like that. She thinks she so smart.

  I picked my jeans up off the floor, grabbed a shirt from off my chair that still looked OK, and got dressed for school.

  I went downstairs and found Tabi sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. She smiled at me and batted her eyes innocently as I walked into the kitchen.

  I glared at her, mentally shooting red hot laser beams at her and hoping maybe one of them would become real and vaporize her.

  Tabi continued to smile innocently and said good morning to me. She continued on to tell me that she'd read a fascinating article in her new Top Teen magazine written by a woman name Maxine.

  That's when she lost it and started giggling hysterically. She laughed so hard, tears were coming down her face.

  I just stood there staring at her as the relief washed over me.

  She hadn't read my diary! She'd got the idea all by herself after reading her stupid magazine article.

  Normally at a time like this I'd be furious and striking back with some brilliant comment that made her look like a knob, but I was actually too relieved to be angry.

  My world wasn't over. Tabi hadn't read my diary, and I wasn't going to be the laughing-stock of the school today.

  I stared at Tabby for a moment longer, imagined what she'd look like as a cow, and went to the cupboard to get a bowl for some cereal.

  Actually, the image of Tabi as a cow wasn't bad. I think I'll draw it later and tape it to HER door. Sweet revenge.

  Of course, my drawing will be TONS better than Tabi's as she can't even come close to my wicked awesome drawing skills.

  On a different topic, Dad was pretty surprised when he got home last night. I ran up and gave him a big hug as soon as he was in the door.

  He asked me what that was for, and I told him it was just because. He looked at me kinda funny, and I asked him “What? Can't a guy give his Dad a hug.”

  He said OK and smiled at me with one of those funny parent smiles. You know the kind that says they don't have a clue, and that they understand totally, all at the same time.

  Parents are like that. Sometimes I think my Dad is a pretty smart guy, and sometimes I just shake my head.

  On the way to school, Boogie and I fixed things up. I was a little worried when I started walking towards the spot just a couple streets over where we usually meet up in the mornings. I wasn't sure he was going to show, like maybe he was just going to walk to school by himself this morning, so I was relieved when I saw him standing there waiting for me.

  Boogie didn't say anything when I walked up, just started walking along beside me kinda looking at the ground. You know the way you do when you're mad at someone and don't want to accidentally look in their eyes?

  I wonder why people do that? Probably because they're trying to stay mad, and they know if they look at the person, they'll probably start talking, get everything off their chests, and apologize to each other, and they won't be mad any more.

  Kinda dumb isn't it. Like people want to stay mad for some reason. Of course, I was pretty much doing the same thing except for the occasional sneaked glance over at Boogie to make sure he wasn't looking at me.

  Finally, I broke the silence. It wasn't like I was backing down or admitting I was wrong or anything, but Boogie picked a really HUGE booger and held up his finger before he started to roll it, and I was pretty impressed at the size of it, so I told him that was HUGE.

  From there on in, things started to thaw out, and by the time we got to school, Boogie and I were pretty much back to normal, the argument over and forgotten. That's what's so wicked awesome about best friends... you can have a big fight, but you know it'll pass and everything will be OK again.

  (I doodled this, and then I realized what I’d done! Why did I draw that? Only girls do crap like this? I hope my dream about singing as a girl isn’t starting to effect me!)

  So just when I thought things were looking up for the day, they took a turn for the worse again.

  Once we got to school, Boogie and I headed to our lockers to drop off our stuff and grab our books for first class. Jordan was standing by mine as we walked up, and I could tell something wasn't right. She looked upset.

  I wasn't TOO worried at first because, if there's one thing I've learned about girls since Jordan and I have been dating, it's that girls are upset about as much as they're not upset.

  I don't know why. At first I thought I was imagining things, because guys aren't like this at all.

  Sure, sometimes guys get upset about something, but it usually blows over pretty quick, like the whole thing with me and Boogie.

  Girls, not so much. When girls get upset, it's like a crazy SUPER drama that's about to reach out and shake up the lives of everybody near them.

  When girls get upset, they seem to want to stay upset for a while. It's like they're thinking that since something got them upset, they might as well make the most of it, get as upset as they possibly can, get everyone else they possibly can upset too, and then see how long they can all stay upset for.

  That last part is the really impressive thing. It's like somebody, somewhere is keeping a record of which girl gets upset when and for how long, and then the next time a girl gets upset, it's her personal goal to beat the best time.

  It's like a weird girl sport that every girl on the planet plays. Think about it.

  My Mom plays it with my Dad all the time. I bet yours does too.

  And my sister Tabi and all her friends.

  And Jordan and all her friends.

  I wonder if they somehow always know what the best recorded time always is, like they can communicate telepathically with the record keeper somehow?

  Maybe it's like some type of weird mental power that only girls have.

  All I know is that there must be something like that going on because they all seem to know the time they have to beat the next time they get mad.

  Anyways, Jordan was obviously upset this morning, and I found myself wondering when it started because I was kinda curious to see if I could start tracking the timing on this girl upset game thing.

  Maybe that was my mistake... thinking about how this whole thing worked, the logistics of it as my Dad would say, because all of a sudden it seemed like Jordan was mad at ME!

  I tried to back it up, tried to figure out where things had gone wrong, but it wasn't working! If anythi
ng, I seemed to be making things worse, and I wasn't even sure why!

  Everything I said seemed to get Jordan more upset! It was like some alien was controlling her mind or something so she was taking everything I said the wrong way!!!

  Then I tried to give her a hug, and she said something up me not understanding anything before she stormed off crying, leaving me standing there with one of those “What just happened and how did I get involved in it???” looks on my face.

  Boogie had seen the whole thing and was standing there with a look of fascination on his face.

  Since he doesn't have a girl friend, he's not as experienced in dealing with women as I am, so I think he was pretty blown away with how fast it went from bad to worse.

  Not that I wasn't. I may have more experience with women than him, but I still didn't have a clue what just happened between me and Jordan.

  All I knew was I didn't like the feeling, and I wanted it to stop right now. That's probably part of this whole angry girl game they play.

  They know how bad it makes you feel, so they know you'll do almost anything to get it to stop. Pretty smart if you think about it. It's like a devious female conspiracy to secretly control the world.

  I spent the whole next period, and then the next, trying to think of ways to make Jordan happy again. My dad calls it trying to get out of the dog house. I'm not really sure what that means, but it sounds kinda cool.

  My biggest problem was that I still couldn't figure out what I'd done wrong to get her mad at me. It wasn't until half-way through my third class that it finally dawned on me.

  I probably didn't do anything wrong!

  This was probably all part of how the world-wide-upset-girls-conspiracy worked!

  They got you so focused on trying to figure out what you did wrong, that you felt SO bad you'd do anything for them to get out of trouble, when REALLY, you didn't do anything wrong in the first place!

  Wow! Girls are a LOT more complicated than I EVER thought!

  You know, if I could invent a special tool to fix things when girls get mad at you, I’d probably make four hundred billion dollars! Everybody’s Dad I know would buy one!!!

  But, even though I'd just made a major break-through, I still wasn't any further ahead in figuring out how to fix things. I mean, it wasn't like I could just walk up to Jordan and tell her I knew all about the world-wide-upset-girls-conspiracy so she should stop being mad at me right now.

  I may not know much about women, BUT I sure know that wasn't going to work!

  I decided to write Jordan a poem. Girls are always falling for mushy stuff like that, so I figured it had at least a 50/50 chance of working.

  It took me the rest of third class and all of fourth, but I was pretty pleased with what I finally came up with.

  (I started by addressing it to her with some hearts and a smiley face. I don’t want her getting the wrong idea and getting even madder before she even reads it!)

  Pretty wicked awesome eh! I especially like the last line, the part about her hair. Girls are always obsessed with their hair, so I think working it into the poem is a stroke of genius!

  (I used the word “Love” to make sure that even if she didn’t like the poem, she’d hopefully still see I wrote it from the heart. I drew another heart to emphasize the heart thing. I drew lots of X’s and O’s for hugs and kisses. Yeah, I know it’s a little mushy, but hey, I’m fighting for my life here!!!)

  I raced out of class as soon as fourth class ended and headed straight for Jordan's locker. If I could catch her in time, I might be able to get this all straightened out before lunch!

  I made it there just in time! Jordan was just closing her locker door and spinning the dial on her combo lock when she saw me coming.

  I was a little worried that she'd storm off before I had a chance to give her my poem, but she smiled at me, which kinda' caught me off guard.

  Next thing I knew, there she was throwing her arms around me, giving me a big hug, and gushing about how silly she was, and could I ever figure her, and she was so, so sorry, and on and on.

  I just kinda stood there dazed for a minute, my brain trying to figure out what had just happened.

  I think I mumbled something like “sure,” “no problem,” “of course,” and a few other things that just seemed to come out naturally.

  Whatever just happened, it was over before I knew. Jordan and I were holding hands and walking towards the lunch room together like this morning had never happened.

  I didn't even get a chance to give her my poem!

  Oh well, I think I'll just hang on to it in case she gets mad at me about something else. I should be less stressed out the next time knowing I've got the poem ready to go.

  The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, which was a GOOD thing. It was only lunch-time, and already I felt as if a whole week had gone by since I got out of bed.

  Wow! Who knew that dealing with girls could be so exhausting!

  Between Tabi's evil artwork scare, and Jordan playing the world-wide-upset-girls-conspiracy game, I was worn out. Thank God tomorrow is Saturday!

  “OMG! I Think I’m In Love With Oprah!”

  Season 2 – Episode 203

  Written and Illustrated by

  Matt Ballard

  © Copyright Matt Ballard 2011

  All rights reserved.

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  Saturday

  I woke up this morning and just laid there, a little bit scared to open my eyes and get up. I mean after everything that happened yesterday, I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up and risk it being another day like that.

  Maybe it was just better to stay in bed. Not much can happen to you when you're in bed.

  But then I started thinking that isn't neccessarily true, and all the thing that could happen to you while you're still in bed started rushing through my mind.

  The roof could cave in right on top of you. It's totally possible. I've heard of it happening in the winter when people get too much snow on their roof, or even in the summer if you have a bad case of termites.

  And then there's the total opposite... the floor could cave in, and you could fall right through it, bed and all. That's totally possible too.

  I've heard of cases where people have a leaky sink or bathtub, and the water gets the floor all wet and rotted over time, and then it caves in.

  It could probably happen if you have really bad aim when you're going pee too. Enough times missing the bowl, and it's not just going to be your Mom yelling at you for getting pee on the floor in the bathroom. You could be standing there and the whole floor caves in right in the middle of you doing your thing!

  And what about airplanes? I've totally seen pictures on the news of airplanes that have crashed right into the roofs of people's houses or other buildings.

  Imagine waking up with the nose of a jumbo jet sticking into your face, with the pilot staring at you all freaked out and stuff!

  Or meteors. They're always saying on TV that there's a good chance a big meteor will hit the earth one day. What if one hit your house? You go to bed upstairs the night before, and wake up in the basement the next morning to find your house as flat as a pancake and a meteor on top of you.

  And windows have always been a concern of mine. They're like the weak spot for security in your bedroom. If something bad is coming in, it's probably coming in through the window because it would be the easiest way to get in.

  Don't laugh. There's lots of stuff that could come in through your bedroom window. Think of ho
w many birds are always flying around outside. Imagine if a few of them flew into your window. The first one or two could break it, and then the rest would come flying right in like a little bomber squadron that dive bombs you in your sleep and pelts you with white, stinky, sticky, bird-poo bombs.